I've never been one to faithfully keep track of my sober dates. I have no idea exactly when I stopped using opiates intravenously; only an approximate guess. However when it came to quitting smoking, I shared many of my struggles through Twitter and here on my Blog, so this time around I do know my exact quit date. As of May 14th, 2016, I will officially have 6 months free of Tobacco and Nicotine. How's it going, you ask? Well... if you're looking for an honest answer, there's good days and bad.
Overall, when I sit down and think about it logically, I'm extremely happy that I was finally able to beat my habit. Being free of Nicotine and Tobacco feels fantastic, both physically and mentally (monetarily, too!). It has been a huge accomplishment for me, and I'm admittedly proud of myself. Yet the majority of the time in my day to day life, I don't necessarily see it that way.
What I do see, is the weight I've managed to gain since kicking the Nicotine. I constantly want to snack and eat; and the snacks I'm craving aren't the least bit healthy. It certainly doesn't help that my Methadone already has me craving sugary treats like a fiend.
The changes in my body have had a big effect on how I see and feel about myself. When I look in the mirror, all I see is the weight gain. I haven't even gotten the courage to step on the scale and find out exactly how much I've gained (although I've never been a scale person, and do not ever weigh myself regularly). Personally, it has never been about the number to me, and it never has been. It's about how I see and feel about my body - and right now, I really don't feel good.
It certainly doesn't help that I had the pleasure of my neighbour ask me if I was pregnant a couple weeks ago. No joke, the man actually asked me if I was pregnant. A man that is old enough to know better. But, since clearly some guys out there missed the fucking memo on making comments like these, here's the TL;DR version:
Don't ever do this. EVER. I don't give a fuck how 'pregnant' you think a woman looks; you keep your lips shut. I don't care if you think she looks so pregnant that she just might have a baby right there in front of you; close your mouth. In fact, just don't comment on a womans body ever, for any reason. It's none of your none business.
So on top of already feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, I got to deal with the wonderful effect that had on my self esteem. I won't lie, it fucking hurt. I didn't a thing for the rest of the day. While I am trying to eat healthier and exercise, I'm admittedly struggling to find the motivation I need in order to be successful.
Weight gain and subsequent self esteem problems aside, I'm doing well. I am not experiencing any cravings for Nicotine whatsoever, nor do I feel triggered for a cigarette when I see or smell others smoking. In fact, the smell of cigarette smoke has become quite repulsive to me. I'm amazed at how extremely unpleasant I find it after only 6 months.
I am thrilled that I've been able to kick the habit, it's just going to take me a bit more time than I had anticipated to adjust to my new Nicotine-free body and life.
By K. Lanktree
- Freelance Writer -
- Blog Mistress -
- Former IV Drug User -
- Methadone Patient -
- Lover of all things Harm Reduction -
Help keep 'Studio L' online by donating to help offset the costs! Thanks💋